06 January 2012

My most personal post to date...

A high school friend of mine recently started a blog (hi Nini!) and last night talked about how her life goal is to start a family - not a career. This is exactly the way I feel. Yes, I want my dog shelter but most of all, I want a family of my own. My dream is to be able to snuggle on the couch at night with my husband, kid, and pups. Pure bliss. For years that is what I have wanted... and I am within arms reach of it.

Or so I thought.

(here is where we get really personal)

Beau and I had been talking for a while about getting married and having a kid. I was beyond ready to settle down with him. As you all know, this past April my dream came true and Beau was asking me to marry him. But as you also know, since January I have had an ongoing, undiagnosed back problem which causes me pain - even with medication - and both of my hips pop when I walk.

I have had many procedures to rid me of the pain but so far none of them have fully helped. What happens if they never find the cause of the pain and I have to live with it forever? What if because of this pain, I cannot have a child? What if not being able to have a child makes Beau leave?

A lot of 'what ifs' but all possible realities which scare me.

Yes, we could do surrogacy which I probably would do if it came to that but then I would never know what it feels like to be pregnant. If in the future, I can have kids, I will probably complain the entire pregnancy but it is still an amazing part of life which I want to experience.


Let's hope that this dream of mine can someday be real <3

25 comments:

BlueEyedBarbie said...

I can relate with the hip problems. My hip sockets are misshaped and pop out all the time. I have to sleep in the rocking chair because i cant lay flat. Ill be praying for you!

Jess - PrettyPhysicist said...

I know what you mean about being worried about the back pain causing you to worry about babies. I'm there now. I'm wondering if my back will hurt so much when I get pregnant that I'll be on bed rest. I'm wondering if I'd be able to have a normal delivery, or if they'd automatically schedule a C-Section. Good luck, and you know I'm always here for you to talk to! We can always meet and talk in person, too. :)

Shauna said...

I hope everything works out for you and your husband in the future!

- Shauna life.love.

Megan said...

I am also scared I will never have children because of family history and my own issues. Thank you for opening up!

Mrs.S said...

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it, Im had the same on going throughts. I dont think it'll stop your man from loving you unconditionally. Keep it in your prayers & let God know the desires of your heart & future, he will provide..I promise.

Holly said...

What a beautiful post! I will pray that your dream can come true :) New follower!

E said...

Ha! Having a kid could make everything better - you just never know!
And having a family isn't pure bliss. Along with that comes financial woes and all the worry about the well being of your spouse and children. It's so worth it, but not all bells and whistles!

Betty said...

I'm so sorry to hear that this is your situation! I'll be praying for you!

Kate said...

Hoping they figure out what's causing you pain soon! Awhile back my doctor told me that when I did decide to have children it would be very difficult for me & then surprise... so you just never know.

Married...with a Pup said...

O wow! Well first, I hope that you/doctors can find something to ease your pain and make you more comfortable! Second, I feel like most women have a natural fear of not having the ability to have children. At least, I do!! I just pray that I'll be blessed with that gift!

Candace said...

All I can say is wow! Thank you so much for opening up about your insecurities and fears. I hope they figure out what is wrong with your back and can fix it soon! I carry some of the same fears but for female reasons instead of back pain. I carry these worries around with me every single day and its so refreshing to see someone else open up about them too! Thank you so much! I will be praying for you!

Recently Roached said...

So sorry to hear about this! I hope they can help you out, so you won't be in pain. I've always had a fear of not being able to have kids, still kinda do. But I know that if God wants that to happen, He will make a way -- no matter what the doctors may tell me. Praying for you, girl!

JeanineL said...

Hi Sarah!!! Thank you for opening up. I will keep you in my prayers. And I hope that everything works out!!!

Ashleigh said...

I will def keep you in my prayers! thanks for sharing this.

Patty said...

Ill keep my fingers crossed for you. Best of luck - and try to have fun trying :-)

SEL said...

I hope things work out for you the way you want them to. And from what you've written about Beau, I don't think he's going anywhere.

xo

Sarah said...

I'll be praying for you! I'm sure Beau's feelings for you will not change if you cannot physically carry a child. Don't worry about that! He'll still love you all the same! Remember that what's meant to be, will be.

Evelien said...

The first post I read on your blog and it's so sad and yet so full of hope! I must keep on reading!
Thank you for stopping by my blog.
I'm really interested in seeing how your story develops! I wish you the best sweet girl!

Jenn╩╗s Adventure╩╗s said...

First and foremost I hope your team of doctors can determine what in fact is the underlying issue causing your pain. A LOT of trial and error and crossing things off the list, but getting a diagnosis is often times better than being in the unknown phase. My prayers go out to you and your future!!

Miranda said...

so sorry about your problems. motherhood is wonderful but children come in many forms who need love and support. but i do hope your dreams come true and you get relief from your pain.

Kelly said...

might I suggest a holistic approach? I know I know you're prolly rolling your eyes, but a Kinesiologist might be able to help you understand what is going on with your back...they look at the whole picture rather than just the one ailment...

I believe you will have babies, you will get married. And if someone leaves you because of a soemthing you have/had no control of, then I wouldn't want to be with that person anyway...Love hopes all things, endures all things, Love never fails...

I am hoping big things for you!

Shauna said...

PS- I tagged you in my most recent post! !

Kendra said...

Having an uncertain future is always stressful, particularly when it comes to children. All the comments of these wonderful ladies so far have summed up all the encouragement I could offer you as well. I'll be praying for you!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

But hopefully everything will work out!!!

meghan said...

I hope that everything works out for you. I worry about not being able to have kids for a few reasons as well, but at this point I'm not going to think about it and I'm just going to pray that it happens for us when we're ready...